you don't know how to play the game

i need an escape

I think I need to go somewhere...escape a while. See if I even miss this place. I don't really think it misses me when I'm gone. And that's ok. I just don't/can't/won't put my heart into anything/anyone that doesn't return at least a little bit of the same regard. I find her a bit mundane and almost boring filled with seekers. bleh... I want out and open to suggestions!

People always say, and I am no exception, that they never want to get married, be tied down, etc etc... but what I think the real problem is that we are too scared of missing out (on what, we're not so sure), being held back, and the obvious choice, risk the devastation that is heartbreak.

At the end of the day, isn't that part of what life is about? Sharing our experiences with another? Learning to think of someone else besides ourselves? Getting your heart ripped out of your chest, getting/learning to build it/yourself strong again on your own only to mend it again when it gets ripped out the next time part...

Honestly, is there anything better/more awful than loving someone so much that they have the power to do such wonderful/horrible things and all we can do is give as good as we want in return and hope/trust that they won't disappoint.

with my heart laid on the ground just looking for you

As I have said numerous times, TVZ is THE most underrated musician. His voice conjures so many different images I don't even know nor care to start explaining. Just watch this. If you hate it then we'd probably not be friends anyways.

Cheers!

right now i don't care

this conversation started with, "Are you there Kims? It's me Margaret."

this one time when it rained...

won't be the same dear, if your not here with me

For whatever reason that makes no sense to me, I have been without a record player a majority of my Los Angeles life... going on 4 years now- I know! ITS NUTS... SO due to some reeee-donkulous circumstance: I HAVE A RECORD PLAYER. I waited 2 weeks for the right chord from Ebay and now she's spinning and ready to go! Unfortunately I only have one record in my possession and its a Christmas record! Fortunately, it is Elvis's!!!

SCORE!

**apparently listening to xmas records after xmas makes photos reverse**

So, I've been starting my mornings off with this... I just like the grainy sound more than anything. So, my ultimate goal this weekend is to build up my library again... I think the ones I had before that I gave away on "perma loan" have comfortably made their ways onto other peoples' lives and it would be unfair and not very karmic (?) of me to take them away from their new mommys and daddy's... so that means, new year, new collection.

This is going to be fun... Maybe I'll let you know what I ended up with...

also seems like I may need that camera... anyone have any ideas? SLR por favor

how can love bare to see you alone?

This year started out on the floor... literally. I couldn't walk...LITERALLY! A couple bottles of drugs, LOTS of bed rest, a giant epidural ...yeah..I said EPIDURAL...as in what they give ladies about to birth a full sized child... and 12 books later, I was able to go and get my first full yoga session out of the way last night. ***sigh***

I'm not sure if it's the shorter days and longer nights, recovering and lack of social/endorphin/any interaction but I am such a homebody these days... reading and listening to records, playing piano and trying to slow down the noise.



I need a nature charge up- see some trees, smell some untouched air, lay in my backyard in Maine and look up at the sky when the sun tries to break through and barely makes its reflection to sit down by my side.

i hope sweet dreams whisk you away tonight.

its all in the legs

day 5

So continues the pain. I awoke in a groggy state feeling super confident that my ability to move about (50% more than I have since my tragic fall in the bathroom on Sunday) meant I was pretty much near the end of this New Years' journey... I have felt uncomfortably high all day. Found out that, aside from this issue, I am "much too young to have such an effed up back". I will spare you the details but in summation, my debilitating pain is the least of my worries. Apparently, my neck is what’s all messed up and usually this is what they see in patients around 18-20 years my senior. (Insert sad faces here)



Not realizing that the dose of muscle relaxers I took before sleep last night were still n full effect, I said I felt great and that hopefully I can resume bikram again.... I was met with a giggle from the nurse and a blank stare from my doctor, who told me to get to bed stat!



I guess the meds wore off about 2 hours ago because now I feel like shit again and to top it off, every time I turn around (slower than a tortoise) I knock something over. I have broken glass everywhere and cannot muster up the lumbar strength to pick it up.... eeek

i found blood and i saw stars. all in the backseat of your car...

Photo by Eliot Lee Hazel

I have been a little swamped/overwhelmed these days which also induces a self inflicted hibernating mode I kind of get inhaled into...

Photo by Eliot Lee Hazel

There are three possible reasons circulating in my brain as to the cause:

1. It gets dark at like 4:30 pm and I am experiencing what is called a "Vitamin D deficiency"

cure: I should probably start taking my vitamins again.

Photo by Aaron Feaver

2. I am getting older and real life problems can't be pawned or pushed to the side with such ease and carelessness as in such youthful previous years of yore.

cure: deal with it.

3. Mercury Retrograde.

cure: Wait it out.

I like the third option... Its so much easier to blame everything on MERCURY RETROGRADE. I will wait it out and in the process I can just blame. I don't like to blame people for any disfunction and I have huge guilt whenever I notice any hints that my brain begins to steer that way, but eff it! It's Mercury's fault and 3 times a year this planet becomes a little bitch and in the process I have a whipping boy who's feelings can't get hurt. It's lose-win-win!

Anyways, I am a little bit in and out and have been going to sleep around 8 or 9pm only to wake up at 3am unable to sleep! It's the pits and it will pass... eventually. I am constantly thinking though.

Thinking of simplicity. Of the way people are where i am from and how bored I used to be, it was so damned quiet..but how I ache for that sameness sometimes. But, I always knew who I was talking to when I spoke to someone... and never felt like I was inconveniencing people like I do out here...

Although it seems *infeasible for the type of person I am at this stage of my life... (it's more for the ready to settle down-phase). This town just drains / exhausts me sometimes.

Or maybe it's my age, I have never lived anywhere else at this age and I think LA is unlike so many other places with a valid normalcy of humanity, so, in turn I have chosen to blame this city ... kind of like I chose to blame Mercury... sorry guys...

Actually it's my fault. I have just had a couple rotten-apple-encounters-that-spoil-the-entire-bushel situations this past year...

I have met / know the most incredible personalities and thank my lucky stars everyday to be so fortunate... However, Mercury being a bitch gives me a green light today to vent!

I think I just need a vacation or commit some folks to Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind clinic... do they have those in Los Angeles? What search word should one use on yelp.com?

x/o

kma

*this is a word... i googled it

thoughts on the last days of 20s

I wish I were younger


and the only word "Standard" meant was "Hotel"

mature facts for mature folks

1. i think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



2. nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you were wrong.

3. i totally take back all those times i didn't want to nap when i was younger.



4. there is a great need for a sarcasm font.


5. how the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



6. was learning cursive really necessary?

7. mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. i am pretty sure i know how to get out of my own neighborhood.


8. obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. i cannot remember the last time i wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. bad decisions make for great stories.

11. you never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. can we all just agree to ignore whatever technology is invented after blue ray? i don't want to have to restart my collection all over again (nor learn how to use it).

13. i am always slightly terrified when i exit out of Word and it asks me if i want to save any changes to my ten page technical report that i did not make any changes to.

14. i keep some peoples' phone numbers in my phone just so i know not to answer when they call.



15. there really needs to be a light in the freezer.

16. i disagree with Kay Jewelers. i bet on any given Friday or Saturday evening, more kisses begin with vodka than Kay.

17. just because its possible to reach me almost anywhere, doesn't mean i check my blackberry in the shower, the pool, on a hike, at a funeral or when i am fighting crime. if i don't answer, i am most likely doing one of these things or see #14.

18. i have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. how many times is it appropriate to say, "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear a word they said?

20. i love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. stay strong, drivers!

21. shirts get dirty. underwear gets dirty. pants? pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

22. men are just as sensitive, if not more, than women. women are just as salacious, if not more, than men. neither genders have come to terms with these facts.

23. sometimes i will look at the clock 3 to 4 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.



24. even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey, but everyone can find the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time!



25. the first testicular guard, "the cup," was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. that means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain was just as important.

i found this randomly on the internets and it had me dying! just thought i'd share the wealth...

dr. viktor frankl :: the meaning of life

Download:

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