conclusions and stuff

i have come to the conclusion that i just want to be around people that inspire me. inspire me to make things. do things i have always put on hold because .... well, just "because". i want to be around things that inspire me to delve more into the arts, to work better and harder. i want to tap into new parts of my brain that are (obviously) currently reserved for amazing wit and a brilliant/candid/winning personality... *sigh*

As i approach the beginning of the big three oh birthday season... i realize I AM NO WHERE near where i always thought i'd be. first let me start by saying, when i was 18 i swore to the Appalachian Mountains that "i was going to live fast" and "i was not even live to see 30" ... i of course, was an asshole.

when i grew up a few years later, i.e. the law allowed me to get a drink in public, i swore to the high heavens i was "gonna be/do amazing things" "make my mark" and other generic yet totally true in that moment proclamations! i may or may not have just been drunk!

now, in more recent years, i have had my dreams/heart/trust/aspirations taken and spit out/crushed/broken and then handed back to me with no one else but c'est moi to put them back together... there is this acknowledgement that exists among peers in the form of a simple nod of the head, as if to say, "yeah, i know! sucks huh?" and i can't help but be so grateful for having been handed such humbling gifts. i have come to realize what spoiled brats we have all been, where time is the only thing that can allow us to have gratitude for what we really posses. I would still be an asshole had i never been able to fall on my own face and then force myself to build my strength back only to have another go at it. again and again. and cause i missed the pain, again one more time.

now, if i am seem like an asshole at all, i'm not. i am just kind of in a rush and my back hurts...

*these videos are just cool/maybetooseductive/maybetooartsy/but i like em anyways and you can always turn em off.

x's o's


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